Tis a Sad Day... (8.30 pm)i just got the news that my great grandmother has passed away. this was i think the closing event for my by then, screwy day. it started with waking up to my dad nagging me about my room continued with screaming and shouting from my brothers. just before i got the news, i was already fuming in my room when our dinner was disrupted by an argument between myself and my youngest brother. i won't go into details on that. all siblings fight. but now, i dont' feel angry. i feel sad.

before dinner, my aunt had called saying my poh tai (great grandma) was ill. this aunt has a tendency to blow things out of proportions so i didn't want to think so much about it. i was considering going back to kuching to look after my poh tai this break, if i wasn't laden with uni work. i think i should have just gone ahead and gone back to kuching... when i was working in the kitchen, i was wondering about all the stories that my poh tai could have told me if there wasn't a language barrier. i speak english, mandarin, hokkien, but no hakka. my poh tai speaks hakka only...

i regret not getting to know her better. she was always very sharp. she could still remember everything when we went back to kuching in CNY. i was looking through some of the pictures i stored in my laptop, and i realised that this CNY, none of us took her picture. i'm feeling a myriad of feelings. mostly sadness and regret. but then regret is too late, isn't it? all the "what if"s arise in my mind and i'm not making any consious effort to silence them. it fuels my regrets but then maybe this may make me change?

why is it that we regret so much when it's too late? things that really matter only seem to show when there's that crucial something that occurs. some large, big, drastic. it's cruel, but i guess what we really need to be is ready for everything. in my eyes, poh tai was a super woman. she used to tend to her own garden all the way till she was 90+. her health started to deteriorate a couple of years back. then not more than an hour ago, she left this world. she lived to a ripe age of 99. in the chinese calender, she was 100. the old bird lived pretty long eh? sigh.

maybe her death was for the better? she was very sick, turning blind and deaf. it was so frustrating for her to be unable to see us and hear us talking this CNY. i could tell. she still loved every one of us too. she smiled so happily when everyone gathered around her to talk to her, to hold her hand. she wasn't senile, mind you. she can remember all the grandchildren and the number of great grandchildren she had. she couldn't see, but when we told her who we were, she laughed and said, "Ah Kong's daughter eh!"

at least she's in a better place. a quiet peaceful place. she's with her beloved husband. she used to take us great grandkids to her room and show us his pictures and talk about him. in the smattering hakka i know, i could tell she loved him even then (what's there not to love?! my great grandpa was handsome!). i don't know what plans the family have now. i have no idea if dad will be going back to pay his last respects. i won't be surprised if he does go. he loved her alot. i have no idea how he's taking it either. he's been sitting in his room since we got the news and mum looks weary. i'll try to be good for the rest of the week. just for dad.

rest in peace poh tai. we love you.