Thinking...

as i'm preparing for my management exams, i'm looking through a job personality test... and honestly, i'm wondering if the course i'm doing will fullfill me in future. when i left college, or actually even before i started college, i had only one aim in my life for a job. one that would benefit the screwed up world we live in. my options? or rather what i would have loved to have been were the typical chinese set thinking;

1. doctor
2. doctor
3. doctor

reason why? to outdo myself. all my life has been a drilling my parents have done since i was a child. the only profession they thought a chinese should do were either being a doctor or an engineer. ok, so after my a-levels, i told them that i didn't qualify for med school but i could enter biotech or engineering... i chose biotech... but what is it that i truly want?

i read about people doing things that they love. it sounds great. my boyfriend's mum asked me why i wasn't a vet since i loved animals so much. i gave her the same answer my parents gave me when i asked if i could study to become a vet, "no business in m'sia la,". but i look around and everywhere i go, i see veterinary clinics popping up like mushrooms... and mind you, they're doing great... just lacking the space to treat they're furry patients.

my personality would suit, according to the book, the work of a social worker, psychologist and all the people work you can imagine. i did want to be someone to do pro bono work in clinics and stuff and work with the befrienders... but again, i was discouraged from it. the reason why? my parents responded the same way they responded about veterinary science... i honestly wondered if i had dared to challenge their statement, would i be on the way to be a vet? would i be on the way to be a shrink?

all these possibilities that could have and would have really are bothering me now... i can't help but wonder, do my parents really know what's best for me? i hate to doubt them but then again, everything they've done has worked out fine for me... minus the a-levels. don't get me wrong! i love my course... it's interesting and stuff, but there's alot of memorising... something i'm not so good at :P

another thought that has been bugging me is "what if i were born into a family with less conservative thinking than mine?" i'm assuming that my folks are the same, but "cooler". in other words, they have let me make all my decisions, supported my every talent to allow it to grow, water my ambitions to help me be me. i remember when i was a little girl, i wanted to be like grandpa, painting pictures for a living. my parents sat me on their knee and said, "if you like painting, next time when you're a big girl, you paint. but for now, you have to study hard so you can do the things you like when you're big. painting will not earn you much. you better be a doctor or an engineer,"

i know my talents. i have a creative mind, capable of poetry, writing stories that captivate my teachers, painting sceneries... you get the idea... i also know that i can be the most emotional being in the world, feeling compassion (sometimes too much it's dangerous) for people and anything living. but then i also know my analytical mind would be restless. as of now, i feed both. my analytical mind prey's on my uni work, my creative mind is confined to the laptop i type on.

i no longer paint. my parents say it's a waste of time. i no longer compose poetry, i have no time. i no longer write short stories either. it's scary how much my priorities have shifted from what i had desired when i was younger. i remember seeing the "One Academy" brochure. how i longed to join the academy to be a proper artist. i was told not to due to the dodgey future i may end up having. not that biotech is that stable in the first place :P

ah well, it's a materialistic world we live in. all i want to do is return to simpler ages when people could have tabs that the grocer knows you'd pay. where i could just walk down the street without worrying someone would snatch my bag. where i could just walk in a street at night without thinking of bringing pepper spray. what has this world become? was i so sheltered that my childhood has shaped me to be such a romantic where even a small cottage would cost me so much money i'd have to pay through my nose?! sigh!

just the musings of a disgruntled woman child dying to dance barefoot in the rain...