Happpppie Chinese New Year!!!!

i know that this is already the third day of the new year already, so i'm so very sorry. so far, this new year has been so so for me. it's been kind to me on the money side... been able to harvest a large ang pau loot this year, and grandma has given me extra cash! bwahahaha! other than that, it's been rather hard on my relationships with my closest relatives.

it's odd how much things change when you age. when i was small, i used to love to hang around my grandpa. i still do. but i don't admire him that much anymore. i know this may seem or sound cruel, but the thing is i used to admire the way he used to stand up, there was this fear of him that i had. i was scared i wasn't good enough for him. i still have that fear, but this time, i have a slight dissapointment too. once upon a time, he was the one that out did my brother and i when we went travelling. he walked faster and longer than us, but now, he complains of even walking in the shopping complex. he tires so easily and gives up equally as fast.

i'm not saying that i don't love him because he's old, i'm just sad he doesn't believe in himself anymore. that self confidence he used to have shining isn't there anymore. but then again, it could be due to his parkinsons. my grandfather is an artist. i am, i think, the most proud grand daughter he has, of him. i would talk about him to everyone i know. but the sad thing is when a person's love is crippled, they seem to lose hope in themselves. i know this may be the reason why my grandfather is like this now.

my grandfather was a man that went everywhere carrying his sketch book, sketching pictures as he sat in a park, by the beach, on a hill, anywhere. then he'd go home and paint. my grandfather paints the traditional water colour paintings. his work has been displayed in museums and sold to art collectors. but he has a huge stash at home. till his hands were shaking to badly, he'd hold his brush and paint as many pictures as he could. it was fun standing by his side, watching silently as he painted his pictures, sometimes asking him what he was painting. other times, i just watched as his hands made a few strokes turn into a horse galloping right at me.

now, my grandfather is tired and frail. he walks around the house wheezing, sleeping away 12 hours each day. he doesn't eat much and constantly complains of phantom pains. he thinks his feet are swollen, making us check it. some of my aunts encourage him in a way by rubbing a not swollen foot, giving into his alleged pains. the man that i knew has been reduced to nothing but a frail man, sick due to his wife and children constantly calling my dad to tell him "this may be his last birthday and CNY," or " he's very sick, you better come back, this may be the last time you'll get to see him,". though they mean good, i don't believe them saying all this is helping his health.

grandfather used to love me alot. i was really close to him. until i moved to kl, i was in my heart, i honestly felt to be his favorite. he used to sit me on his knee and tell me stories. something that he has never done to the other grand daughters. that's why i believed he loved me best. then when i moved, i think things changed. i changed to adapt to life in the big city. i had to be equally as hard as the people here, equally as quick. and then i was different.

my grandfather stopped loving me as much after i didn't do as well for my PMR. his new favorite was my grandmother's favourite. i was hurt, but there's not much one can do. i have always been my own person. art was a passion not encouraged by my parents. i sketched, painted, all on paper, but i wasn't as good as grandfather. i had no one to guide me. and he wasn't willing to teach me, or any of my cousins, one of which was like me, in awe of him.

things got worse, i didn't do very well for SPM too, whereas my other cousin, managed to score straights. while i wore tights boot legs, she wore track bottoms. while i was out watching movies, she was in church with her friends. i can bear being compared but then obviously the hurt sets in. this CNY, that particular cousin wasn't there. grandmother was sad but she didn't say much, grandfather would not say much. he had not talked much to me at all.

other than sad memories and bitter thoughts, i had a wonderful time meeting new friends and old. catching up with cousins and sharing laughter, hugs and kisses. i'll miss s'wak, it's food, my family there. but no matter what, i hate to admit it though, kl is now my home. and you know what? it's good to be home.