Ponder Ponder Ponder...

today we face a battalion of horrible diseases, war and moral degradation. just why? is it the apocalypse arriving or is it just another way of God to remind us that we really are just mere mortals. that we are not as powerful as we believe. and the worst bit is, the more we look into it, we find that the causes of all the pain ans suffering around is really, us!

ok, one very fine example is the mad cow disease. as all of us know now, it was due to farmers trying to save money and started this "smart idea" of giving their bovines their dead and processed brothers and sisters... eww! even we humans shun cannabalism. and these pitiful cows, totally clueless, munch happily on these little "treats" their beloved owners provide them. can you imagine what those poor cows are thinking as they froth in the mouth and go mad?! they're prolly cursing us for:

1. we're eating them
2. Taking their precious milk
3. feeding them their relatives
4. causing them torment and pain from the stupidity of feeding them with their relative's extra parts.

another new threat would be that blasted bird flu. well, i haven't read up on what's causing it, but as with all viruses, i'm guessing that this was once harmless to humans, then, bang! it evolved to be bigger and badder! haha! but the thing is i'm kinda peeved over the fact that i can't get to eat chicken in peace! can you imagine a world without chicken? no!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

as for the war, i think we only have one man to blame. actually, i'm starting to wonder if i should call him a man or a stupid asshole. i'll stick with the SA (stupid asshole). now this SA is a really dumbass. i mean like, he goes marching into war, even after the absolute no no from UN and all those biggies, pope included. and i was thinking, ok, since bushie is a catholic, he'd listen to John Paul II, but, noooooooooooooo! the SA bushie thinks he's better than God apparently and directly disobeys a man sent by the Good Lord to lead over us... really la, a big STUPID ASS!!!

as far as i know, the US has lost a great number of young men in that war, not to mention the poor iraqis. one day, they were all living in fear of a dictator but knowing that they'll be safe if they keep their thoughts to themselves, very content with life. then suddenly, BANG!!!! weddings have been crashed with bombs, families torn apart and children are left orphaned. who gave that SA any right to invade them!?

i know that there maybe some good that would come out of the war, but at this rate. people are angry with the Americans trespassing and the soilders are not exactly accustomed to their ways, thus causing much more friction. in a world where customs and religon are a huge aspect, the soilders are just messing it up further.

i remember that the US promised to free Iraq and then leave. till now, they haven't left. what they thought would be a quick process of liberation has turned into a grueling battle of politics and arms. rebels attacking the US troops, innocents, and trying assasinate US appointed leaders. this is definitely not what the iraqis would have thought that they would get. trust me, any sane person would think that way.

about naturally caused disasters, i won't "rant" cos it's just nature... sigh, or is it?

Feeling Fat and Tired... :S

have been sleeping at ungodly hours lately and waking up at 7am with mummy screaming in your ear that if you don't, your brother will eat all the toothpaste up. ok, i'm exagerating. my brothers don't eat toothpaste. they just stay there longer than i do.

my 18 year old bro, the middle one, des, would spend at least 10 minutes on his ridiculous hair. i have no idea why? in the end, no matter what, his face spoils it all! (my brother frequently reminds me that we siblings are pre-programmed to say that regardless how hot the individual may think... or the stupid air-headed females that seem to find the ugly twerp alluring... *vomits*)

the youngest one would then complete the session of waiting for the loo by banging on the door informing my entire floor that he needs to use the toilet or he'll bake brownies in the hallway (putting it in a less disgusting way). and when he finally gets in, he would grace the bathroom with the most enticing scents known to man. after sure display of affection to their lovely elder sister who cringes at the thought of having to enter a bathroom with enticing smells and a wad of phlegm sitting contently on the sink strainer (you know, the little metal thingy that stops us from clogging up the drain with hair), who wouldn't want to go brush their teeth and get ready.

i sometimes wonder why i bother trying to remind my youngest brother to put up the toilet seat when peeing and to somehow get a young adult to remember to wash the strainer once he has deposited his green glob of carbohydrates and such. all my warnings, reminders, seem to be just a waste of breath! hahah! but i guess i'll just have to put up with it. such disgusting things brothers are. can't live with them, but can't laugh at yourself thinking that you're hot.

i'm so tired!!!!!!!! i so need to sleep :S

Little Bother's (Brother's) 9th Birthday

ok, so today is the little terror's birthday. he's going to be 9!!! sheesh! just not long ago, he was just a baby that my mum didn't allow me to carry. then again, not long ago, i had crooked teeth and had not learnt the beauty of contact lenses. but now, it's a whole different story. looking at my brother now, with my clearer vision using the blessed things called contact lenses, i see he's grown up.

who in the world gave them the permission to grow up!? i was just getting comfortable to his cute little toothy grin when he started to talk, then suddenly, he's shooting his mouth off, refusing to shut up! and it's still that way, just worse obviously. you know, maybe it would be good if little brothers never learn to speak until they grow up to be men? hmmm... hahha! or at least till i'm out of the house where he won't scream at me for not letting him watch tv, me play dota, or any game for the start. sigh!!!!

well, i have to look out for my other brother who'll be 18 next friday... sigh! pressie hunting again. you have no idea how expensive it is to have brothers!!! i'm telling you, i'm going to torture my kids and give them 3 brothers!!! bwahahah! on a second thought, no. i can't risk the pain of child brith that many times. i'll die. so maybe two kids will be enough. sigh... there goes my plan to torture my kids...

can you imagine me running after 4 terrors?! that would be hell! i can barely take my brother's unceasing whining and screaming (when he's throwing his tantrums), how can i bare 4??!?!?!?! my dear dear will be ever so pleased to read this. as a matter a fact, i can see him going, "I told you so!" oh, by the way, my darling thinks having one is enough (considering he's an only child) but i believe in having more than one! hahah! but less than three... it'll be hell otherwise. so do the math... hahah!

oh, don't get me wrong. i love kids! so long they don't scream, punch, cry and throw tantrums at me. and another thing is i hate kids who forget how young they are and demand things... thus my brother always getting very harsh scoldings from me. sigh! it's not pleasant mind you. gets very guilt racking... but i think i can pull it off without him breaking my heart in front of him. i'm becoming my mum!!! oh no!!!!

oh, by the way, mum's the best mum in the world. hahah! and i like the way she brought us up. just that my youngest bro has alot of influence from his rich rich friends in that snotty school cempaka where mummys are carrying louis vuitton to school and clicking in their impossiblely high jimmy choos. oh did i mention that they also wear versace tops with guess jeans and nike sneakers just to pick up their kids... and they stand there for not more than 15 minutes... bloody show offs... (so what? i'm jealous they have money and i haven't! :P) well, i only wear my very worn out romp jeans plus my pasar malam t-shirt and man slippers.... feeling very small mer!

Chap Goh Meh Tomorrow

for all who plan to collect more ang pau, now would be a good time! haha! this is the last night i'm going to bed with my ang pau's piled up under my pillow. something my mum had told me to do since i was a little lass. something to do with growing up well! :P anyhow, i have more ang pau then my brother!!! woo hoo! and seriously. he's not so happy about it :P hahah!

well, today was so so. went to catch fun with dick and jane at GSC 1 U. it's an ok movie, for the quick witted. had my two brothers in tow so that wasn't ideal movie watching mood for me. surprisinglyy, my youngest bro was capable of staying still through the entire movie! proud of him for that! hahah! but what kind of bummed my day was the brunch we had.

there's this shop in Taman Megah, not Ming Tien, but this other shop that sells S'wak Kam pua. good stuff when i first openned but not anymore. too many customers and they aren't capable in keeping up with the demands. so basically, the noodles get worse the later you reach. anyhow, i wasn't upset over the food, i was more of upset over the drinks.

imagine this, a very packed coffee shop, 2 drink ladies working it. my brothers and mum managed to get a table and there were still three coffee cups on the table. we called one of the drink girls to clear the table since all the other things had been cleared already. then she nods and tells us to wait. ok, we're ok with that. we order our noodles and wait for the drink lady to come around to clear the table again. SHE WALKS PAST US TO CLEAR THE TABLE BEHIND US, mind you, they came much later than us, THEN HAS THE NERVE TO TELL US TO WAIT AGAIN!!!

alright, i know you may say, "aww... it was a packed day. i'm sure you can wait right?"

-------- 30 minutes later with 3 empty bowls of noodles----

no, she hasn't cleared our table yet. people are starting to point out to her that my youngest brother has been trying to get her attention for the past half an hour. she huffs and tells her lady boss, the other drink girl. lady boss looks at us then looks away... WHAT THE FUCK?! not only that, she walks to another table and takes their order and clears their table!!!! bloody fuck! i was so pissed.

so after some 15 minutes and 4 empty bowls of noodles, she finally comes, my brothers are just finishing their last mouthful, as she clears the table, i tell her to leave, we have nothing to order. then... i mean like what's the point oh? people finish their food liao then only you come. for what oh? then, the fucking bitch slams the three coffee cups onto the tray and glares at me!!!! what the fuck!? i wanted to scold her already but my mum was like, "why she walked off like that? make us wait then act like we owe her money,".

ok, must cool down... sigh... too much la... never eating there again. EVERYONE WHO BOTHERS TO READ THIS POST, NEVER EAT THERE!!! SERVICE SUCKS AND THE DRINKS LADY IS TOO RICH LIAO. DON'T NEED YOUR MONEY!

hehe...

Waiting for Exams to Start

no, i'm not crazy... i am waiting for the exams to begin. i just want to get over with it la. having business Stats today. as soon as the exams are over, i'm free to sleep as long as i like, take loooong soaks in the swimming pool downstairs, tan myself if i want. you know la. just chill. oh, but then again, i have to get ready for my new semester. plan to study beforehand for one of my subjects, i failed them both by a few marks last semester and my very dear lecturers refuse to add a couple of marks to help me pull through.

oh, exams are going to start at 1.30 pm and the time now us only, 11.52 am. the retarded thing is that the lecturer told us that the exams start at 8.30 am and i have been up since then. my poor boyfriend, being the wonderful suppportive darling that he is, woke up early, battled a awful jam just to be with me before i entered the exam hall... to no avail. imagine both our shocked expressions when staring stupidly at the notice board that said that the exams were at 1.30 pm and not at 8.30 am. we both felt so cheated... especially him.

oh, but i wasn't the only one that got "Con-ned". i later saw my classmate strolling up to the notice board, stare in disbelief and ask me if he was seeing things. so thus proving that i did see it right and i did hear my lecturer tell me otherwise. who should i believe? the notice board. upstairs, the notice board didn't have any indication that my subject was being tested at 8.30 am.

just got back from pyramid actually, had a very heavy brunch of bbq lays and mc d's nuggets value meal. and the nicest thing is my dear dear is hanging out with me... he's willing to sit here, doing nothing for some one and a half hours, just to see me to the hall! he's so sweet!!! (:P)

so basically, he's sitting here, next to me, totally adorable and staring at random stuff... and he has a plan to grow a billy goat beard... then braid it... wannabe "black metal star" hahah! oh, but he begs to differ! did i ever mention that he's a car fanatic? oh, i guess you can make that out la, from my previous post, so yeah, he's also surfing random car sites... men! heheh!

Thinking...

as i'm preparing for my management exams, i'm looking through a job personality test... and honestly, i'm wondering if the course i'm doing will fullfill me in future. when i left college, or actually even before i started college, i had only one aim in my life for a job. one that would benefit the screwed up world we live in. my options? or rather what i would have loved to have been were the typical chinese set thinking;

1. doctor
2. doctor
3. doctor

reason why? to outdo myself. all my life has been a drilling my parents have done since i was a child. the only profession they thought a chinese should do were either being a doctor or an engineer. ok, so after my a-levels, i told them that i didn't qualify for med school but i could enter biotech or engineering... i chose biotech... but what is it that i truly want?

i read about people doing things that they love. it sounds great. my boyfriend's mum asked me why i wasn't a vet since i loved animals so much. i gave her the same answer my parents gave me when i asked if i could study to become a vet, "no business in m'sia la,". but i look around and everywhere i go, i see veterinary clinics popping up like mushrooms... and mind you, they're doing great... just lacking the space to treat they're furry patients.

my personality would suit, according to the book, the work of a social worker, psychologist and all the people work you can imagine. i did want to be someone to do pro bono work in clinics and stuff and work with the befrienders... but again, i was discouraged from it. the reason why? my parents responded the same way they responded about veterinary science... i honestly wondered if i had dared to challenge their statement, would i be on the way to be a vet? would i be on the way to be a shrink?

all these possibilities that could have and would have really are bothering me now... i can't help but wonder, do my parents really know what's best for me? i hate to doubt them but then again, everything they've done has worked out fine for me... minus the a-levels. don't get me wrong! i love my course... it's interesting and stuff, but there's alot of memorising... something i'm not so good at :P

another thought that has been bugging me is "what if i were born into a family with less conservative thinking than mine?" i'm assuming that my folks are the same, but "cooler". in other words, they have let me make all my decisions, supported my every talent to allow it to grow, water my ambitions to help me be me. i remember when i was a little girl, i wanted to be like grandpa, painting pictures for a living. my parents sat me on their knee and said, "if you like painting, next time when you're a big girl, you paint. but for now, you have to study hard so you can do the things you like when you're big. painting will not earn you much. you better be a doctor or an engineer,"

i know my talents. i have a creative mind, capable of poetry, writing stories that captivate my teachers, painting sceneries... you get the idea... i also know that i can be the most emotional being in the world, feeling compassion (sometimes too much it's dangerous) for people and anything living. but then i also know my analytical mind would be restless. as of now, i feed both. my analytical mind prey's on my uni work, my creative mind is confined to the laptop i type on.

i no longer paint. my parents say it's a waste of time. i no longer compose poetry, i have no time. i no longer write short stories either. it's scary how much my priorities have shifted from what i had desired when i was younger. i remember seeing the "One Academy" brochure. how i longed to join the academy to be a proper artist. i was told not to due to the dodgey future i may end up having. not that biotech is that stable in the first place :P

ah well, it's a materialistic world we live in. all i want to do is return to simpler ages when people could have tabs that the grocer knows you'd pay. where i could just walk down the street without worrying someone would snatch my bag. where i could just walk in a street at night without thinking of bringing pepper spray. what has this world become? was i so sheltered that my childhood has shaped me to be such a romantic where even a small cottage would cost me so much money i'd have to pay through my nose?! sigh!

just the musings of a disgruntled woman child dying to dance barefoot in the rain...

Happpppie Chinese New Year!!!!

i know that this is already the third day of the new year already, so i'm so very sorry. so far, this new year has been so so for me. it's been kind to me on the money side... been able to harvest a large ang pau loot this year, and grandma has given me extra cash! bwahahaha! other than that, it's been rather hard on my relationships with my closest relatives.

it's odd how much things change when you age. when i was small, i used to love to hang around my grandpa. i still do. but i don't admire him that much anymore. i know this may seem or sound cruel, but the thing is i used to admire the way he used to stand up, there was this fear of him that i had. i was scared i wasn't good enough for him. i still have that fear, but this time, i have a slight dissapointment too. once upon a time, he was the one that out did my brother and i when we went travelling. he walked faster and longer than us, but now, he complains of even walking in the shopping complex. he tires so easily and gives up equally as fast.

i'm not saying that i don't love him because he's old, i'm just sad he doesn't believe in himself anymore. that self confidence he used to have shining isn't there anymore. but then again, it could be due to his parkinsons. my grandfather is an artist. i am, i think, the most proud grand daughter he has, of him. i would talk about him to everyone i know. but the sad thing is when a person's love is crippled, they seem to lose hope in themselves. i know this may be the reason why my grandfather is like this now.

my grandfather was a man that went everywhere carrying his sketch book, sketching pictures as he sat in a park, by the beach, on a hill, anywhere. then he'd go home and paint. my grandfather paints the traditional water colour paintings. his work has been displayed in museums and sold to art collectors. but he has a huge stash at home. till his hands were shaking to badly, he'd hold his brush and paint as many pictures as he could. it was fun standing by his side, watching silently as he painted his pictures, sometimes asking him what he was painting. other times, i just watched as his hands made a few strokes turn into a horse galloping right at me.

now, my grandfather is tired and frail. he walks around the house wheezing, sleeping away 12 hours each day. he doesn't eat much and constantly complains of phantom pains. he thinks his feet are swollen, making us check it. some of my aunts encourage him in a way by rubbing a not swollen foot, giving into his alleged pains. the man that i knew has been reduced to nothing but a frail man, sick due to his wife and children constantly calling my dad to tell him "this may be his last birthday and CNY," or " he's very sick, you better come back, this may be the last time you'll get to see him,". though they mean good, i don't believe them saying all this is helping his health.

grandfather used to love me alot. i was really close to him. until i moved to kl, i was in my heart, i honestly felt to be his favorite. he used to sit me on his knee and tell me stories. something that he has never done to the other grand daughters. that's why i believed he loved me best. then when i moved, i think things changed. i changed to adapt to life in the big city. i had to be equally as hard as the people here, equally as quick. and then i was different.

my grandfather stopped loving me as much after i didn't do as well for my PMR. his new favorite was my grandmother's favourite. i was hurt, but there's not much one can do. i have always been my own person. art was a passion not encouraged by my parents. i sketched, painted, all on paper, but i wasn't as good as grandfather. i had no one to guide me. and he wasn't willing to teach me, or any of my cousins, one of which was like me, in awe of him.

things got worse, i didn't do very well for SPM too, whereas my other cousin, managed to score straights. while i wore tights boot legs, she wore track bottoms. while i was out watching movies, she was in church with her friends. i can bear being compared but then obviously the hurt sets in. this CNY, that particular cousin wasn't there. grandmother was sad but she didn't say much, grandfather would not say much. he had not talked much to me at all.

other than sad memories and bitter thoughts, i had a wonderful time meeting new friends and old. catching up with cousins and sharing laughter, hugs and kisses. i'll miss s'wak, it's food, my family there. but no matter what, i hate to admit it though, kl is now my home. and you know what? it's good to be home.