Guilt Ridden, Heart Broken, Mentally Crushed

has anyone felt like they let down the world? well, let me just say this la it is not a pleasant feeling. i have yet again, failed myself, my parents and those that believe in me. i have failed yet again 2 subjects. honestly, i think i must be crazy. i have no one to blame but myself. sitting here, analysing myself, at 1am, without my contacts on, eyes burning. sigh. can't sleep you see...

as of now, i have listed down the reasons why i didn't do well. i was supposed to pass, theoretically, i did, but then cos i failed the finals, i failed the papers. sucks, but that's how it goes. i've done my thinking, my soul searching. i know my dear is prolly worried about me. but as of now, i'm vowing to myself that i won't let my parents down anymore.

mum told me a few things that have made me like my title says, guilt ridden, heart broken and mentally crushed. she's not pressuring me, don't get me wrong. it's just that i have neglected my responsibility as a good daughter for so long that i feel so bad. all my parents wanted out of me is to do well in life. and so far, all i've done is fail their expectations. i have been over-confident and ignorant to my capabilities, to how far i can stretch myself. i really needed to analyse myself.

i listed the things i needed to change about myself. nick told me it's time i grew up a little more. i think i know what he means. all my life, i have tried to stay behind in the rat race, be like how i was when i was still in high school, care free, ignorantly happy. life can'tbe that way sadly. i have all the chances given to me yet each time, like a fool, i waste them.

as of now, i'm still thinking of how to tell my parents that i have let them down again. i can't bear to see their faces. i know it would please them to see me eager to change my ways, but i know they'll ask finally. and till then, i plan to let them be as relaxed as possible. i have good parents that love me to bits, a supportive family, loving boyfriend and friends. imagine, my friends flocked to me on hearing my grades, my boyfriend rushed to my side too. have i been falling back on their comfort so much i have turned ignorant to my responsibilities?

planning out my study time, i noticed that if i really really pay attention, and really stick to my new timetable that i set for myself, i would have no problem finding time for my social life. the thing now is to stick to my new regime. i really have to psych myself up to stick to it. there is only so much my friends can do to help me. the rest is up to me. all this is keeping me up. thinking thinking thinking. i feel so useless suddenly that i haven't bought my other reference books and haven't begun my revision. this really is a slap in the face. like the many times i have been slapped in the face mentally by my failures in life.

sigh... i'll leave this at this.. and mull and think again exactly how to tell my poor parents... i should burn in hell for hurting them this way... i better make it up to them... i HAVE to!